About

TL;DR below for you 150-character-or-less types.

I’m going to start by making a confession.  This isn’t an easy thing for me to admit, but it’s important, so here goes…

I…

…

I have no idea what I’m doing.  I have no idea what I’m doing, and it is such a relief to finally ADMIT that, out loud, to you.  What do I mean by that?  Let me explain…

Seven years after earning my MBA and establishing myself in the field of medical device marketing, I was unhappy.  More than unhappy – I felt empty, and nothing in my life seemed to hold much meaning.  Everything always ended.  Excitement for what was to come turned into mourning over what had passed, or disdain for expectations not met.  The emotional ups and downs of excitement-disappointment-excitement-disappointment grew more extreme, and I began to grow more and more weary of ever finding something that would “make me happy.”  And I was getting tired of trying – it all seemed very pointless.

Even working in medical devices, a field people go into because they “want to make a difference in others’ lives,” couldn’t give me any real sense of purpose, meaning, or value.  But, I kept “fighting the good fight.”  I kept finding reasons to care, reasons to carry on, reasons to get excited, reasons to fight for what I thought was right…until I got burned out on all that nonsense.  The only thing all my fighting and standing my ground and worrying about winning or losing got me was a lot of unhealthy conflict.  I just couldn’t get past things that didn’t make sense in my mind.  In my mind, where fear and mistrust invariably gained the upper hand in forming my view of the person I was failing to connect with.  I became a miserable person ruled by depression and anxiety.  I drank too much, ate poorly, didn’t take care of my body, and lost interest in life.

It was tempting to succumb to anger and resentment at the situation I found myself in, and I did sometimes, and I got a sick satisfaction out of doing so.  It was easy to look outside of myself for the causes of my misery, but I knew I had only myself to blame.  I had arrived at this place on the platform of my own choices.

One day at work, when I was feeling especially overwhelmed, I squirreled myself away in a conference room to read and meditate for a few minutes.  I was reading Deepak Chopra, who instructed me to simply write down what I would do if I had all the time and money in the world, and to do those things.  I figured “what the hell?” and started to write.  The list came surprisingly easily to me, and started off “travel, dance, write…”

At first I scoffed, but then an amazing sense of peacefulness and rightness came over me as I considered that life.  I researched and planned and budgeted, but the timing wasn’t yet right.  I wasn’t ready to let go yet, or to embrace this new path.  I put these thoughts in the back of my mind and distracted myself with other pursuits.

As time went on, though, it became harder and harder to hold on, grew more and more painful, until one day I just couldn’t do it anymore.  At the same time, the universe seemed to have conspired to support my desires, providing me the resources I needed to propel me on my way.  My ego, proud and wanting to be right, told me to stay and fight, a feeling that was comfortable in its familiarity.  But this new path lit a unique fire in my soul, one that wasn’t motivated by fear or competition or pride.  My old path, which had served me in many important ways, simply wasn’t right for me anymore.  It was just time to go.

So, I quit a lucrative job in a coveted field to pursue my heart’s desire – to travel, dance, and write.  It wasn’t easy, and I backslid at times, clutching and grasping at a known misery, afraid to turn and face the unknown standing before me.

After all that struggle…can you believe it’s been less than three weeks since my last day at work and I already foresee this journey taking a different course entirely?  I was excited about this new path.  It was different and off-the-wall and exciting.  I was very attached to how I saw this all playing out in the future.  All the signs were there and I missed them – I got sucked in again by the lure of a happiness that was separate from me, something I had to pursue and which I would obtain at some point in the future.

But, I was somewhat prepared for this.  I already know that, sometimes, the thing that draws you in and compels you to reach beyond yourself is merely a stepping stone to something even greater and more fulfilling, no matter how shiny and dazzling that first thing was that caught your eye.

And I’m not saying I’m absolutely not going to pursue my original goal.  I’m already pursuing it.  Rather, I’m not attached to completing it as I envisioned in my mind’s eye all those months ago.  I’m open to where the pursuit of this passion might lead me.  And I already feel it pulling me down a different path.   After all, the point was never really  just to “travel, dance, write.” The point was to learn more about myself and the world through new experiences, and to share those learnings with those who were interested; travel, dance, write was just the means by which I was going to do that.  I’m going to learn more about the world because learning is fundamentally inherent to living, and I’m going to share what I learn because that’s just who I am; I’m just not attached to the means by which those things occur.

So, here I am, no idea what I’m doing, standing before the unknown, curious to see what I will choose to make of it.

They say joy shared is twice the joy, and sorrow shared is half the sorrow. I’m glad for your company to multiply the joys that lay before me and to share the burden of the sorrows I encounter along the way.

Brief autobiography:  Grew up in Long Beach, CA.  Only child to parents who never married.  Lived with mom till I was 14, then dad.  Left for the Army at 17 after graduating high school; served 4 years.  Got married.  Got college. Got job.  Got relocated.  Got MBA.  Got new job.  Got divorced.  Got new job.  Quit job.  Here I am.

TL;DR:  Divorced mother of none suffers from first-world problems, leaves fancy pants job to travel, dance, ramble.