The German couple that was here left Wednesday morning, which means I have the house ALL TO MYSELF! I walked around naked Thursday just because I could. I haven’t done that in WEEKS. I didn’t even realize I missed being naked until it dawned on me that I could and started flinging my clothes across the room. So freeing…
I don’t know what I imagined I would do – all the stuff I would get done that I hadn’t been doing – once I was alone, but finding myself alone with nothing I had to do, I had no idea what to do. It was like I had to reacclimate to being alone again. I guess I imagined that I would be very peaceful and meditate a lot and read a lot and write a lot…Instead, I found myself agitated, antsy and anxious.
I’ve been eating a lot of stuff I shouldn’t be eating, overeating, and playing games on my phone to pass the time. These are the kinds of things I normally really berate myself for – wasting time and counterproductive behaviors. I’m playing games, presumably for amusement, and I’m not enjoying them. I’m eating junk food, presumably for pleasure, but I’m not enjoying it. The entire time, instead of focusing on what I’m doing, I’m thinking things like “Why are you doing this,” and “Stop doing this,” and “You should be doing this instead,” and my mind is besieged by negative emotions of anxiety and disgust. Not only am I not enjoying what I’m doing, I’m not even present for the experience. I can’t be present for these activities I hate myself for engaging in because I’m too busy hating myself for engaging in them.
The results are doubly destructive. Not only are there the direct consequences of the destructive behaviors, but, by focusing my attention on hating myself instead of on what is I’m hating myself for – the behaviors themselves – I keep whatever’s motivating those behaviors inside me instead of allowing it to burn itself out and pass through. In doing so, I prolong the duration of the destructive bouts and increase their frequency. The behavior and the self-hate together form the 1-2 punch that fuels and perpetuates this very real downward spiral. It’s kind of like, when you’re craving something sweet, but instead of consuming real sugar you consume a sugar-substitute; your body still craves the sugar and you end up consuming a lot more of the fake stuff than you would have if you had just gone for the real deal. Instead of giving my attention to the behaviors and their drivers, I’m giving my attention to a substitute – self-hate – and I end up consuming a lot more of the undesired behavior than if I simply paid attention to what I was doing and left off all the unhelpful judgment.
So, I’m working on self-acceptance. I really hate that I’m compelled to do these things that I don’t want to be doing, and I wish, wish, wish I wasn’t compelled to do them. But, I am. That’s just reality, and I’m never going to change it with hate and wishing. The only way I can hope to change it is to simply accept that it is and to give my full attention to my destructive desires when then come calling.
I did this on Thursday. I got sucked into a silly video game and didn’t emerge for about an hour. When I found myself berating myself for wasting time and such, I consciously pushed those thoughts out of my mind and focused more on the game. “This is just what I’m doing right now and I don’t know why I’m compelled to do it, but I am, and that’s just how it is.” Afterward, I was much more productive than I have been in trying to suppress myself. More importantly, I was happy. I wasn’t necessarily happy that I’d spent an hour playing video games when there are so many other more worthy (yes, I hear the judgment) things I could be doing. But, by accepting it for what it was, I was able to let it pass through me instead of holding onto it through self-shaming.
When I reject these things about myself, they dig in even deeper, take root even deeper, so that I can’t let them pass through me. My self-deprecation continues to drag me down even when I’m not engaging in the offending behaviors. By accepting myself, though, offensive behavior and all, it was able to pass through me completely and I wasn’t holding onto to any of it with my trademarked self-loathing. When it was gone, it was gone, and I was free – mentally and emotionally free – to do the other (worthier) things I wanted to do.
Some of you probably have no idea what I’m talking about. For some of us, accepting ourselves completely comes as naturally as eating and sleeping, so that the idea of feeling badly about anything we do, let alone letting that feeling prevent us from moving forward, is so foreign as to be incomprehensible. Many people will see an aspect of themselves in my words, though, and for us, feeling truly free from our self-inflicted shame and guilt about the past is a rare luxury and a blessing greatly appreciated.
I’m positive that much (or all) of the depression and anxiety I’ve experienced over the years has been the direct result of rejecting these parts of myself that I hate. The fruit of self-hate is depression, anxiety, and perhaps other forms of mental illness (written with the full acknowledgment that I am not a medical professional and I know there’s a litany of research out there about hormone imbalances and all that; let that also be a disclaimer to you that my personal opinions do not constitute valid medical advice). The fruit of acceptance is freedom from the shame and guilt that keep us trapped in our destructive spirals, as well as freedom from the aspects of ourselves we would seek to reject.
If you struggle with shame and self-loathing about any aspect of your personality, I encourage you to practice acceptance of it as a means of freeing yourself from its oppressive grip. Acceptance starts with simply being present, attending to whatever it is you would reject in nonjudgmental observation. Don’t judge it, don’t even think about it; just observe it. In time, observation yields to familiarity and familiarity to acceptance. Paradoxically, the more you reject and deny these aspects of yourself, the more greatly they fight for expression; but, the more you are able to accept what you would reject, the less need said aspect has to express itself at all – the more you accept it, the less you experience it.
TL;DR: Finding freedom by practicing acceptance.
Yes, yes, yes!!!