Before coming to Budapest, I researched language schools and dance schools in the area. I intended to sign up for group Hungarian lessons starting first thing Monday, and I wanted to study Csardas, a traditional Hungarian dance. Neither of those things has happened yet, leaving my days quite open and free.
I had grand plans for my day yesterday, including stopping by the language school I’ve been in contact with (email hasn’t gotten me anywhere) and finally arranging some language lessons. When I woke up and the clock said 8:30am, I did an enthusiastic “YESSSSSSSSSSS!!!” complete with elbow pulled back, armed tucked to the side, fist clenched, knee in the air, and leaning back for extra flourish because I was excited about getting an early start to my day.
Then I dove right back in bed. When I woke up again, I took my time eating breakfast and reading, eventually falling asleep for a few-hours nap. I considered going to the language school when I woke up, but I didn’t. I kept reading.
I was enjoying my day. It wasn’t what I had planned, but it was I wanted to be doing in each moment. I did feel a bit ashamed of my laziness – of not moving forward on my goals, of not getting out and exploring Budapest – but I was still enjoying my lazy day. Then the doubts started to swarm in.
What am I doing here? Did I really come to Budapest to lie in my apartment and read all day? ‘Cause I can do that at home. And also, I’m real happy for you that you’re enjoying “living in the moment,” but you can’t do this forever. You’re going to run out of money at some point, and what are you going to do then?
I felt conflicted because, while I enjoyed spending my time that way in the moment, when I thought about it later I feared I was wasting my time. I only have so much money, which means I only have so much time – shouldn’t I make the most of it? Have something to show for it at the end? Something I had to travel halfway around the world to find? Sitting in my apartment reading doesn’t really fit that bill.
I talked out all my doubts with my Self, all my fears about what I’m doing and not knowing what it’s leading toward. This grew into my negative beliefs about myself and how I project them onto others and how I do not want to do this anymore. I cried. I prayed. I calmed down and determined that I would try harder to accept wherever I happen to be, whatever I happen to be doing in the moment, and not worry myself about what I should be doing or what the point of it all is. I felt much better.
Then I got up, got dressed, and went out for a nighttime bus and boat tour of the city. And I didn’t worry about how I’d spent my day, or how I should have spent my day, or how I was going to spend the next day. I just sat in the bus (and boat) and took in the sights.
Budapest is beautiful at night. It’s beautiful anyway because it has so many ornate buildings and cupolas piercing the sky, because hilly Buda is topped by the grandiose Buda Castle, sugar-castle-like Fisherman’s Bastion, and gothic Matyas Temple, and because the height restriction on buildings leaves the Parliament building and St. Stephen’s Basilica dominating the skyline in Pest. But at night, the city lights up, so light bridges appear to span the Danube and the intricate detailing of the building facades are exaggerated by the shadows cast.
I got to bed super late last night on account of all my napping during the day, so I woke up late this morning, as well. I ate breakfast, read for a bit, and meditated before heading out for the day. I intended to hit up the language school today, but I also had a walking tour in the castle district in Buda that I didn’t want to miss, so language school fell by the way yet again.
My walking tour ended around 4:20pm and a summer thunderstorm broke out. It downpoured for a good 45 minutes straight and even hailed. I got caught in the storm at the Fisherman’s Bastion and took shelter under an overhang that led to the Hilton parking garage (yes, there’s a Hilton located at the Fisherman’s Bastion, just a few feet from the Bastion and the Matyas Temple). After about 10 minutes, when it became clear the weather wasn’t going to let up anytime soon, I popped into the Hilton for some goulash and Hungarian wine (did you know the Hungarians are famed for their wineries?). I enjoyed my meal while watching the rain come down through a massive window that looked northeast past the Fisherman’s Bastion to the Parliament building. The rain cleared up while I was eating and I was back to sightseeing.
Just down the hill from the Fisherman’s Bastion, to the east toward the Danube, there was a free cultural event going on outside the Hungarian Heritage House in Corvin Ter. At the Hungarian Heritage House, you can catch performances of the Hungarian State Folk Ensemble, among other cultural offerings. This free event included music by a group of 4 musicians and lessons in Hungarian folk dancing. Wanting to study Hungarian folk dancing, I found out about this event and made a point to go.
It was so much fun! I imagine the dances can get quite complex, but for this event, they were mostly simple and repetitious – we would learn one or two 8-counts of steps which would be repeated over and over throughout the song. Most of the dances were done in large and/or small group circles in which everyone held hands, though there were a few partnered dances as well (also done in large circles without the hand-holding). There were some line dancing, square dance, and polka-esque elements to the dances. I thought it was interesting that, in the group dances in which you hold hands, two women standing next to each other would hold hands, but two men standing next to each other (which only happened if there were more men than women in the circle) would put their free arm behind their backs and not hold hands. The hardest parts was not tripping over the uneven stone we were dancing on. I really had to pick up my feet to avoid getting my sandals stuck on the stone, but I still got caught up several times.
This is TMI, but the event went on for about 2 hours and my clothes were literally drenched by the end. I could take a handful of material from my back and wring it out, that’s how sweaty I got. Of course, everyone got that sweaty – it was about 90 degrees when we were doing this.
After that I came home. Did I already tell you about the excellent location of my apartment? I can walk to any of the major sights in Budapest in 30 minutes or less. It’s fantastic.
I had two glorious days yesterday and today, though they looked very different from each other. What made them both glorious is that I was doing what I wanted to be doing in each moment – enjoying the present moment, each and every moment. Yes, I’m still conflicted over how much to be here now and how much to plan for – and worry about – my future. Hard core spiritual texts say there’s no need to plan for the future at all and that doing so is totally fruitless – just be here now, be in this moment, follow Truth’s guidance now, and the future will take care of itself. That kind of faith isn’t easy to come by. It’s true, when I’ve put myself in the Universe’s hands, I’ve always been taken care of, never left out in the cold. Still, I have my old doubts – what if I’m not so lucky next time? What if I’m missing something and I end up screwing myself over? What if it was all just coincidence?
Those are my struggles. That’s what I would like to rid myself of. Truthfully, I would love to have total faith in the present moment, in doing what brings me joy and knowing that my future is secure just by doing so. And I’m working on it, but I’m not there, and I don’t know that I’ll ever totally get there. There’s that pesky little thing about money…it’s easy to be comfortable living by the seat of your pants when you have a slush fund to fall back on. Real faith is found when you’ve depleted the ego’s store of control tactics, those sweet nothings the ego whispers in our ear to delude us into believing we have any semblance of control over any of this. I suspect that is where real joy is found, too. But I’m still too scared to find out.
TL;DR: Still learning to be here now, still conflicted over whether that’s the right approach to life, but cannot deny it produces smiles for miles.
