Days 18-20 are all about relationships, community, and conflict resolution. I find these chapters are largely specific elaborations on the notion of living a life of love – extending love to all your community members – and concern common topics around relationship-building and maintenance. What spoke to me the most in these chapters were the sections on authenticity, “realness” vs. superficiality, and effectively addressing conflict.
In chapter 18, Warren defines authenticity and its opposite:
Instead of an atmosphere of honesty and humility, there is pretending, role-playing, politicking, and superficial politeness but shallow conversation. People wear masks, keep their guard up, and act as if everything is rosy in their lives. These attitudes are the death of real fellowship.”
He was specifically referring to the inauthenticity found in some churches, but we can look everywhere in our lives and see the falsity he describes. In the last sentence, “fellowship” can be read as “relationship” – we all know that being fake, that failing to be real and honest, is the death knell of any relationship, whether romantic, friendship, or business partnership.
This is what drove me from the corporate world. Not only was falsity the modus operandi in the corporate environment, it was viewed as a strength: side-stepping conflict was called finesse; making false promises and lying by omission was called influence or taking calculated risks. That’s not to say everyone in corporate America is fake – I have many wonderful, brilliant, authentic friends who I met at work, and many other former colleagues for whom I have a great deal of respect. But, by and large, getting ahead at a large company seemed to require putting your authenticity on the shelf, talking in circles and generalities to avoid accountability, avoiding open conflict, and getting things done by building alliances (and thereby excluding out-group colleagues) behind closed doors instead of out in the open. There was very little direct talk, attempts at honest and open conversation were dismissed as naive, idealistic, and even destructive because they made people uncomfortable, and getting a straight answer on just about anything was next to impossible.
I have heard it said that we hate in others what we deny in ourselves. I have also heard it said that our emotions should be viewed as signposts pointing the direction to where our work within lies. I’m sure I’ve written about both of these ideas previously. If these statements are true – and I believe they are, from personal experience and reflection – then it was my own falsity projected onto the corporate world, and reflected back to me by it, that I denied and hated so. I know other areas in my life where I was afraid to be honest – with myself and with others – about who I really was, and because I was false, I saw the others as false, too. Why not at work as well?
I can tell I have a lot of work to do in this area, and that’s really disheartening to realize. I wrote here about Chopra’s teaching that in order to get more of anything you you want, you have to first give it away to others. The great irony for me here is that I thought I was being authentic at work. I thought I was being honest. Yet, all my efforts were in vain, which makes me think my efforts were never really about being authentic, but about controlling – I was using honesty as a control mechanism. Needless to say, it didn’t work very well. The only thing I got was more frustrated.
Warren further discusses authenticity in chapter 19:
Many…small groups remain superficial because they are afraid of conflict. Whenever an issue pops up that might cause tension or discomfort, it is immediately glossed over in order to preserve a false sense of peace. Mr. “Don’t Rock the Boat” jumps in and tries to smooth everyone’s ruffled feathers, the issue is never resolved, and everyone lives with an underlying frustration. Everyone knows about the problem, but no one talks about it openly. This creates a sick environment of secrets where gossip thrives.
Warren talks about churches and church groups here, but his words can apply to any relationship at all. His words struck in me in how closely they mirrored my work environments – how conflict avoidant many people were, how many topics were simply off limits to talk about, and how much toxic gossip circulated as a result.
Do you see this dynamic in your life? In your families? With your friends? At work? Are you the one who’s afraid of conflict? Do you feel safe in these relationships? Known? Accepted? Appreciated? Do you compensate for this lack of authenticity and connection in your life with alcohol? Drugs? Sex? Food? Compulsive behavior (such as shopping or gambling)? Getting your needs for authenticity and connection met outside the relationship? Or withdrawing altogether? Is the false peace really worth the tax on your soul?
Warren’s words on conflict avoidance in chapter 19 lead directly into chapter 20, which is essentially about conflict resolution. Warren advises that, in conflict, whether you’re the offender or the offended, you need to address the conflict immediately, not wait for the other person to do it: “In conflict, time heals nothing; it causes hurts to fester.”
Perhaps this statement spoke to me so strongly because I had experienced such a situation just before I read the chapter. Someone I had grown close to suddenly felt distant and was careless with my feelings. After inquiring whether I had done something to hurt them, they claimed to not know what I was talking about, but confessed they suspected I was upset about something and so waited for me to say something. Suffice it to say, the delay did cause more pain. Few things make you feel smaller or less valued by another person than having your hurt feelings deliberately ignored.
Warren also advises us to focus on the other person’s feelings first, then worry about the facts of the conflict, and makes the brilliant observation that this is often difficult because “we’re preoccupied with our own hurts. Self-pity dries up sympathy for others [emph. mine].”
Self-pity dries up sympathy for others (Warren uses the word “sympathy,” but with the meaning of empathy). What a perfect way to describe that far too common occurrence when someone says “you hurt my feelings,” and your feelings get hurt as a result and so you get mad at them for hurting your feelings without ever acknowledging that you hurt their feelings first. This is the self-pity Warren refers to, and it is wildly destructive.
What a fantastic demonstration of lack of love to respond to someone’s hurt feelings with anger, defensiveness, and dismissiveness. When Nina Simone said “You’ve got to learn to leave the table when love’s no longer being served,” this is exactly the kind of the non-loving behavior she was talking about.
Why do we do this? Why do we respond to the hurt feelings of a loved one with destructive self-pity? This comes back, once again, to loving ourselves before we can love others. We experience self-pity in this situation because we feel a lack within ourselves – we lack love for ourselves. We feel fundamentally bad, unloveable, unworthy of love, so when someone says “hey, you hurt me” we hear “hey, you suck,” and we respond accordingly. How many relationships have perished because one or both parties couldn’t hear “you hurt me” without also hearing “you’re a no good, very bad, horrible person?”
TL;DR: No tl;dr for virtual book club posts.
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