Waiting

I quit my job on the 15th, the movers are coming on the 3rd, and in the meantime, I’m waiting.  Don’t get me wrong, I have plenty of stuff to do before I can get out of Los Angeles.  That’s what these 2.5 weeks are for.  And, while I understand mentally that this journey has already begun for me, began the day I submitted my resignation, emotionally, until I’m on a plane headed for destinations abroad, it all just feels like waiting.

In truth, though, this is a critical time for me.  Without a job, without anywhere I have to be or anything I have to be doing at any particular point, it’s up to me to structure my days.  This isn’t something I’m in the habit of doing, but I need to get used to it because this is going to be my life for the foreseeable future.

I’ve been pretty sloppy about it so far, but I’m being patient with myself because I realize it’s a process – I’m learning something new and it’s going to take some time and practice before I figure out what really works for me and adopt those behaviors.  That process also entails letting go of some old habits that don’t serve me anymore and replacing them with new ones that do.  It’s tempting to imagine that making one positive change in your life will automatically and without any effort trigger other positive changes, but that’s just not how it works.

What I want my days to look like:

1. Wake up around 6am, refreshed and eager to greet the day!
2. Meditate for at least 30 minutes
3. Exercise
4. Eat breakfast
5. By 9am, getting down to business, whatever that looks like for the day – packing, writing, running errands, etc.
6. Cook dinner around 6pm
7. Read and write before going to bed at a reasonable hour.

What my days actually look like right now:

1. Wake up sometime between 6 and 7:30, groggy and praying for more sleep (-_-)
2. Mild anxiety flare up; I remind myself I’m fine, anxiety has no home here
3. I wake slowly, indulging in the warmth and comfort of my bed
4. I get out of bed, not before 9am
5. Anxiety returns to tell me that I’ve wasted my morning and now everything’s behind schedule
6. Re-prioritize my schedule of activities based on how limited my time feels
7. Take a nap
8. Let distractions keep me up too late
9. Wonder why I never seem to get enough done

Hardly a lifestyle of fulfillment.  That’s okay, though.  If you discount this past weekend I spent in San Diego, this is only my 3rd day dealing with this new situation.  I’m still discharging the anxiety and fear associated with leaving behind the life that I knew, and that eats up a LOT of energy.  I struggle with accepting how much sleep my body seems to need these days, but I don’t fight it.  I’m exhausted from what I’ve gone through the last few weeks and this is just what I need right now to refuel my empty tank.  As I continue to let go of the fears and anxieties that consume so much of my energy, and as I embrace the path ahead with curiosity and excitement, my body won’t need so much sleep, I won’t need to hide away in bed putting off the new day, and I won’t need to struggle with feeling limited by time.

TL;DR:  Obliteration of time results in chaos, hope for a brighter future.