All things eventually come to an end. It’s only when we try to prolong or deny those endings that we end up hurting. I have held on when I should have let go more times in my life than I care to think about, and I suffered a lot of pain as a result. In my fear and hurt, I also caused a lot of pain and suffering for others. It took me a long time and much heartache to see and understand this dysfunction in me.
The more experiences I collect in this life, the more aware I am of signs that I’m holding on when I should be letting go – tenseness, irritability, rage, depression, anxiety… These signposts guide me to contemplate what it is that I’m holding on to and why. The more I let go and trust in the rightness of doing so, the more able I am to trust and let go. It does get easier.
Not overnight, though. Deciding to let go of this job (and the paycheck that came with it) did not come easily to me. Old tapes ran through my head telling me that I couldn’t quit, throwing up false obstacles as reasons – excuses – why I couldn’t change what was making me unhappy. What if I’m just as unhappy in my next job? What if I can’t find another job at all? What if I get evicted? Go bankrupt? End up homeless?
And my STUFF. What would I do with all my STUFF?
Quitting, being unemployed, having no income… It all seemed so overwhelming and scary. And so I held on and held out hope that things would change, and I grew more bitter and resentful each day they didn’t. My dissatisfaction with my circumstances at work manifested as irritability, criticalness, and procrastination. I was miserable, and I made others miserable as a result. I had become part of the problem, and I hated myself for it.
This place was no longer right for me, I no longer belonged here, and it was time for me to move on. My fears were irrelevant – I needed to let go. That’s the final lesson this job had to teach me.
Once I got over the initial shock of what I’d done…oh my God, the sense of peace and calm and rightness in the world that washed over me… It was intoxicating! My anger dissipated almost instantly and I felt totally free and unburdened. I began to feel genuinely, utterly blessed.
Yes, blessed. I was about to be unemployed and I felt blessed. Blessed to have a vision for the journey I was embarking on. Blessed to have the universe both pushing me out of the nest and providing me the resources to kickstart this project. Blessed to be able to see all of this and to take the leap of faith that this is where I need to be right now, what I need to be doing for my own happiness and growth.
Happiness has proven elusive for me. I have spent most of my adulthood feeling depressed and anxious. But this – letting go of this job, embracing the unknown that lies ahead – this makes me feel elated, and that truly is a blessing.
It’s been said that we’re afraid to let go because we think doing so will hurt; in reality, it’s the holding on that hurts, the letting go that allows us to begin to heal. Every time I have let go of something in my life that was no longer serving me, I have kicked myself for not doing so sooner. I have never regretted letting go, only holding on too long.
TL;DR: Letting go > Holding on
